Thursday, October 20, 2005
i cant take it anymore. maybe i should just blog everything out rather den keeping to myself.
havent been feeling okie ever since i got back my papers. yes i do admit that i didnt really study much for mid-terms. but seeing most of my friends getting As and Bs, i am really very disappointed with myself. yes i am jealous that even jaslyn a 17 yr old girl has better self-discipline than i do. i am not jealous becoz she scored better grades den me. she deserves the grades becoz she studied. i choose to distant myself from them. i duno why. maybe i feel inferior with my bad results or something. i am sick of my results. i always try to do something about it but i will give up halfway. i dont wana disappoint daddy again and again and again and again. i dont want to waste his money esp since his family only revolves around money. shirley gave me a D+ again for my concept essay. sometimes i really do ask myself if my english's really that bad. if my TWE can get high grades from other tutors, why is it that my essays are getting such low grades whenever she marks them? if my english soooo lousy, why am i in her class which also happens to be the best class?
maybe i shouldnt be wasting money studying. but den again, without a degree i am nothing?!?!?!?!?! farking assssssshole.
and... why cant anyone in the family let me finish my sentence before they wana say anything? are u really that great such that u can read my mind, know what i want to say? have u ever asked urself why the family's always soooo unhappie? let me tell u why. the unhappiness follows u. whenever u come back, u bring ur unhappiness back. whenever u go back to hk, u bring ur unhappiness back to daddy. no wonder daddy's not happie. daddy always calls me and asks what i told u. but... i didnt even talk to u, what can i possibly tell u? all u do at home is to think about stupid things. get a life! everything's over. over! at least that's what it is now. daddy said no means no. cant u listen and register into ur mind and stop thinking anyhow?!?!?!?! i am frustrated. not with anyone. just frustrated with the fact that my family cant live in harmony.
i want to be happie. there's only that little fraction of my time tat i can be truly truly happie. that is when i am with minghsun. he takes my unhappiness away. but i dont want my unhappiness to affect him, esp his studies. i do want to tell him everything. share everything with him. but... i think i prefer it this way.
i know tears do not help solve any problems. at least they help me get some unhappiness away from me.
there are still so much so much i wana say. but... there are stuffs that i cant say. life sux.
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